...and "No, I haven't figured this shit out yet."
Ma Frog (My Mother) hit me with a sermon about everything that's wrong with my life at 1AM. It was timely and convenient, as this is also when I was about to sleep. She'll argue I was scrolling Instagram, but she knows nothing of my process. Mothers have a way to show you the complex factors that lie in what you think is so simple. Because quite simply, I'm broke. Being broke makes me feel trapped. Being trapped makes me feel unhappy. This time last year, I thought I was broke. While I was living check-to-check, I was far from broke or trapped. Good God, what a rude awakening. I suppose that'll be a good subject for today: the levels of poverty (as I see it) & financial intelligence.
I'll take this moment to thank "whatever GOD may be" for my ability to find sustenance. Sustanance meaning "a job when I need one." But I've had jobs since I was 13 years-old. At one point in College, I had 3 at one time (technically, one was off the books) and I always seemed to find favorable employment. That is, it was an impressive position that paid decently. I will not say that "favor" has alluded me for a uncertain period of time, because I had favor at RadioShack until Joseph Blythe showed up to be District Manager. Once again, we're talking about roughly a year ago. Moreover, I feel like I have favor in my current position at Home Depot.
(Every time I mention where I work, I recall Phife's rhyme about his homeboy Steven on Midnight Marauders and wonder what department he worked in.) I digress... I was supposed to be talking about how I feel about fiscal intelligence, huh?
There are things that I want to do: both for and with money, that I need money to do. For those not familiar with business, the term is "Capital". Capital gives to the capacity to operate. It's funny how your mind works when you are an entreprenuer. When you can not operate, you think of a million things you could do to get yourself operational. The figure that plagues my mind is $13,000. I could winterize my studio, set up manufacturing, a distribution network, maybe even finagle a TV slot. Hustler that I am, I could also stretch that money into starting a landscaping service or something like that... (because enough paper is never enough paper).
"Levels of Poverty", right? Let me be clear: I've never ascribed to an impoverished mindstate, and I've seen days where I paid for everything with coins. I think what makes me feel "poor" is that I don't see how I can bridge where I am with where I want to be, career-wise. What makes this troubling is that I'm officially less than half a year from age 30. However, I don't have nearly the anxiety about it that some people I know do, and that in itself is reassuring. While others panic, I sit back and plan it.
Even in writing this, I feel like I'm giving to inaction. In the parts of her sermon that stuck, she said that I'm running from my destiny in a Jonah-esque fashion. I'm sure she would like to see me attend church more (which isn't something I plan to do), but even within that I can see where she has a point. Often I feel like I have way too much fabric, the wedding deadline is swiftly approaching and I have yet to even see the bride. What are her measurements? What are her favorite colors? Will she even love me?
Faith is knowing that GOD said she'll be here soon and that I need to be ready. Faith is trusting that GOD is not a man that he should lie. Ma insists that I know my task list, but I have not been trusting of GOD. Would I trust someone who doesn't trust me? Shit no.
It's true. I do know my task list, and it's so much more complex than "write 24 bars today", "dig in that crate", or "edit this video" that I stress myself into a paralytic combination of anxiety and procrastination. The anxiety causes me to look to the hills for my help, and I get bitter about the W in "So We All May Prosper", and I question my own mantra. Questioning your mantra will make you feel like your life is a lie, and that's never a good place to be.
I think it feels more complex because, hustler that I am, that $13,000 is salacious. It would seem I have an expansive vocabulary, but often I just "kinda know" what a word means. (Side-Note: This has been brought to you by "Holding Back The Years" Radio via iTunes, and "Faith" by George Michael just came on. I can't make this shit up). Anyways, when I looked up salacious, as not to make an ass of myself by assuming, I found it's defining trait was LUST. Trust, that $13,000 has appealed to my lower self. Meaning, I would do things to get it that I wouldn't even think about if I had it.
I've seen (that is, taken note of) a lot of memes centering around the ideal of "Give It To God". In writing this, I realize that while the task list is fully in my control, worrying about the figure of my bride is asinine. Faith is knowing she'll be on time, then working feverishly towards being prepared.
I think that's good for today.
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